I find myself quite amusing at times. If you ask my daughter why I am funny she will tell you that I am funny because I think I am, not because I actually am.
The truth is that I spend a lot of time absorbed in my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and one of the challenges for me in life is to get out of my head and enjoy the moment I am in. It is very easy for me to be flown away in some fantasy of wonder or destruction. Its one of the things that truly fascinates me about people is our ability to create whatever reality we want, or not.
The last few months have been interesting on this front as I have allowed myself to really sit into my shadow side and reflect on, and acknowledge the parts of myself that I try to avoid, to push dow, to shun, to ignore.
So I have let them play without really knowing what would result, only that I needed to allow the process to unfold and notice, watch, observe.
What I noticed hit me like a tonne of bricks a couple of nights back. To give you some context, I had, late last year set myself some lifestyle goals for 2016. At the very end of 2015 I was challenged by one of those side swipes the universe sometimes dishes out to move us to one place or another. The place I was being directed was exactly towards my newly implemented goals.
(Now here comes the funny part)
I have mentioned the four R model before, and I will give you a quick run down of it here –
Working from the bottom up we move through the following stages in growth.
What I noticed myself doing was sitting in rebellion. AKA not in my results.
Even though I wanted the change, even though I had planned for the change. I fought it.
I dismissed it and resented being forced. So I did the complete opposite. I played into the side of me that wants hot chips instead of a vital nutritious and yummy salad, the part of me that wants to lie in bed instead of getting up early to do yoga. And I stayed in my anger. Not just the anger of a teenager being forced to clean their room but the anger of all the hurts I had been sweeping to the side for sake of sanity over the last few years. I wanted to play out my dark obsessions and sit in my pity. I used this anger to justify WHY I should rebel. The unfairness of it all!
Now when this realisation struck me I had to laugh. Seeing yourself play out like a teenager is certainly entertaining once the realisation has been made. Relatively shitty whilst your in it though.
Then it got me thinking about control. How much do we truly control if even our behaviour the one thing that we think we can possibly control can, in itself, be hijacked and redirected into a crazy 15 year old version of oneself?
Its like those moments when your unconscious mind connects directly to your mouth and says something you spend the next 5 minutes trying to explain or change or ideally put back in!
If even that is outside of our control, what is the point of the need to control but a frustrating distraction?
There is nothing but our experience and by that I mean our interpretation of a given moment. Thats it. Thats all we have to play with. We can certainly induce some situations that we want to interpret, yet if they actually play out or not 100% of the time is a whole other question. And so again we are brought back to how we “experience” that experience.
Fascinating creatures we are! Truly.