Where in the world do I control?

Where in my world do I control? I asked myself the other day reflecting on a conversation with a friend.

There are many areas that my inner control freak likes to play and we dance as I manage the deep urge to ‘maintain order’ at all costs, or the perception that I could.

But the areas that this all plays out the most for me are the following;

  1. Children – I am constantly managing the idea that my children ‘should’ be behaviourally or intellectually anywhere but where they are right now. My control freak in this situation uses the words of society, well meaning friends and family and my past educators to try to convince me to take action NOW using any and all methods at my disposal. Bribery, bullying, manipulation. As my children crave for that most basic need we all share. To be accepted. To be loved. To be worthy exactly as they are right now.
  2. Business development – Excel faster, impact greater, ARRIVE! With the bullshit teachings of overnight success and single focused business growth screamed from the rooftops everywhere we look, it makes it easy to be drawn into a state of comparison and inevitable disillusion of the imperfection of our current trajectory in business. Yet for a single mother of three who homeschool her children to compare myself to a single 30 something person who has worked the last 10yrs+ on their business development is truly insanity. Our needs and requirements in business are different as are the drivers for being in business in the first place and yet that inner control freak likes to use such examples of excellence (which they are – take my hat off to them, doing a rocking job) as a means to convince myself that I need to continue to fight myself after doing all I can in preparation for a potential contract or projecting an incongruent version of myself on social media to “get more likes”. Or to grow my business at a pace to keep up with the Jones’ rather than my ideal lifestyle.
  3. Relationships – This is the BIG one for me. After my separation I have put much intention and attention in understanding what constitutes and creates a relationship I desire to experience. Unconditional love is driven on many levels by acceptance of a person as they are and a decision to experience life along side one another because you enjoy the other persons company not because you NEED them in your life. In this space it has been important for me to recognise and release on my need to control. What I have realised is that even the most basic of interactions I have been driven by a need to *attempt to control the other person to ‘Be’ the person I see them as or want them to be. Apposed to them being themselves and me having an opportunity to actually see that and enjoy the experience of who they truly are in the interactions we may have as a shared experience rather than my needed experience.

Hilariously as I attempt to control, nothing changes except my frustration levels. When I let go of control I let go of nothing but this frustration. I still DO everything I was doing before as I strive to be the best version of myself as it lights me up and is a no brainer for my experience in life. Yet the frustration, exhaustion and behaviours associated with coming from a space of desperation leave me and I am able to enjoy the moments as they are in the light of the perfection that they hold.

A giggle passes my lips at the insanity of our existence and our perception that there is ever anything to control but the choice to choose to grow.