The Justification of Experience
This week I shared the 5 things I see people do after their first breakthroughs or entry into the personal development world and how to avoid them in my VLOG, which you can view here..
All of these have something in common which I felt compelled to share here and that is that we use these things to justify our experience of growth. The justification of experience.
This justification is certainly not isolated to the personal development experience but to all experience and it was something I learnt through a lot of pain just how much, I myself justified my experience.
Throughout my break up I spent much of my time in self reflection and frustration about how what I had tried to do to ‘fix’ the problems we were experiencing wasn’t working. So I would apologise for speaking my truth. I apologised for setting boundaries and standards. I apologised for wanting more in my life. I apologised for not being understanding enough or compassionate enough. I apologised for exisiting (i shit you not)
My ex, however never apologised. Not once. And at the time it hurt so much and I had interpreted it as he didn’t feel remorse or care for the pain that was created in the wake of his behaviour. But the truth was I was upset because I didn’t trust myself or the process enough to allow for it to unfold without blame or control. I envied his lack of need to justify himself.
The justification of how we experience communicates that we don’t believe in or accept our own behaviour or place on our journey. If everything is perfect then so are we even in our mis-comings and mistakes.
Does this mean you should never apologise? of course not. But the question can be asked, what are you apologising for? For being true to you… Or for creating an experience where pain is felt by another person.
We can’t always know what will cause someone pain. I don’t know what past experiences of pain you may or may not have had and nor do you know mine, so how can we be held responsible for reigniting the pain based on this. What we are responsible for is ensuring our intention is known and clear communication experienced. However if we treat another human in a way that we, ourselves would find as painful.. then some self reflection is needed.
There is a big difference between “I am sorry for doing/being X” and “I am sorry that me doing/being X has caused you pain”
Justification of existence or desire or feeling or thought on any level says “I need to prove to you that this is okay” aka “I need to prove to me that this is okay – I need to control this experience”
There is nothing to control. And nothing to BE but yourself. Open, honest, passionately you.